Are you a Should Shamer?
Should. Must. Have to.
How many times do these words creep into your vocabulary each day?
- I should be more productive
- I must lose some weight
- I should be more [fill in the blank]
- I have to start meditating more
“Should is a futile word. It’s about what didn’t happen. It belongs in a parallel universe. It belongs in another dimension of space.”–Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin
The Problem with Shoulds
The problem with shoulds is that they impose restrictive rules and disappointment on ourselves. We imply that something is inherently wrong with ourselves, and applying that shame can lead to low self-confidence and even depression. Spiraling in should shame keeps you locked in a loop of constantly needing to prove yourself through overwork. Eventually, you find yourself struggling to maintain the look of excellence, while inside you’re struggling to hold it all together. The result is complete imbalance and feeling pulled in every direction (but peace). You end up being oppressive rather than compassionate.
Belinda is the headmaster of a prestigious private school on the West Coast. She’s adored by parents, staff, and children–all of whom believe that she’s got magical superpowers because she creates initiatives and runs the school with apparent ease. The best metaphor to describe Belinda is a duck gliding on the water. From the surface, she looks calm and collected. Underneath, however, those legs are paddling like mad.
Belinda’s inner dialogue is filled with shoulds. “I should ensure that every food product that enters the school is organic and locally grown. I should write all of the curriculum myself. I should attend every planning meeting to make sure my staff feels supported. I should be the 1:1 for any children who struggle behaviorally. I should…” She has even more shoulds at home around her own parenting, her eating habits, her strict exercise regime, and keeping the house clean. Belinda struggles with delegation at work and at home, mainly because she “doesn’t want to burden others.” She came to me needing help with time management, but when we really got to the core of her issue, Belinda broke down in tears, “I just feel so defeated. I know I should have it all together, but I don’t know how I can keep it up.” The shoulds even creep in when she’s at her wits’ end.
How to shift the should mindset
The next time you catch yourself should shaming, try replacing should with a preference word (e.g., would like to, want to). How does that shift the underlying meaning of the statement? Ask yourself if it is even realistic right now.
Working together, Belinda and I came up with some words she could use to replace the shoulds. “I would like to attend every planning meeting so my staff feels supported.” Doing so allowed her to take the pressure off and step back to see if her desire is even reasonable. In this case, it wasn’t. Belinda was often needed in multiple meetings at the same time, and stakeholder meetings took precedence to weekly lesson planning. Plus, her presence in each meeting gave the unintended perception that she didn’t trust her staff to handle the planning. Changing should to a less oppressive word allowed her to choose a more reasonable path. “I would like to attend every planning meeting, but I can support my staff in other ways–5 minute check ins, office hours, etc.
At home, she began adding compassionate statements to help take the pressure off. “I would like to serve home cooked, organic meals every day for my family, but I’m doing the best I can right now.”
The idea is to replace shame with empowerment and encouragement. Experiment with your own should rewrites today.
