Unlocking the power of anger

 

“…it is no wonder that it is hard for us to know, let alone admit, that we are angry. Why are angry women so threatening to others? If we are guilty, depressed, or self-doubting, we stay in place. We do not take action except against our own selves and we are unlikely to be agents of personal and social change. In contrast, angry women may change and challenge the lives of us all, as witnessed by the past decade of feminism. And change is an anxiety-arousing and difficult business for everyone, including those of us who are actively pushing for it. Thus, we too learn to fear our own anger, not only because it brings about the disapproval of others, but also because it signals the necessity for change. We may begin to ask ourselves questions that serve to block or invalidate our own experience of anger: “Is my anger legitimate?” “Do I have a right to be angry?” “What’s the use of my getting angry?” “What good will it do?” These questions can be excellent ways of silencing ourselves and shutting off our anger.” ~ Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Anger

 

Recently, I led a 6 week series  to empower women to rediscover their wild self, not the wildness of adolescence, but the wildness we think of when we head into an untamed wilderness. It was a group focused on rediscovering self-worth, uncovering deep truths about oneself, and tapping back into one’s intuition. It was wildly successful (pardon the phrase), and it led to the creation of a new container called Rewilding, a place where we can continue what I call campfire conversations–those discussions  you have when you’re in community with warm, safe people who truly listen and accept you for who you are. I’m even creating a self-paced course on it as we speak. Stay tuned!

I always learn something myself when I lead groups, and this series was no exception. When I was choosing archetypes for the series, I hesitated to add Medusa, the archetype I felt taught us to embrace our sacred rage. Even as someone who studied emotional development, I still find myself having to reorganize my thoughts around that phrase–sacred rage. Through research and experience, I know rage can be sacred, but old patterns and beliefs still make me scoff at the thought sometimes. And, as someone who grew up in a violent household, there’s still a part of me who struggles with truly believing anger has a sacred side. But there’s also a larger part of me who knows that anger, when expressed in nonviolent ways, can lead to advocacy, for our own needs and for the needs of others. It lets us know our boundaries. Behind every feeling of rage is a whisper, “I need…”

So many of us had to learn to suppress anger, to make ourselves small and quiet to stay safe or to remain in that feeling of belonging in the family. There’s this part of us who wants to scream our needs, but that part believes doing so will threaten our belonging, our image as good and worthy. So when it emerges, we try to escape it as quickly as possible, and that’s exactly the first thought that came into my head as Medusa came into view.

I can’t include her. I can’t include something about anger. People will reject the course. They won’t want to talk about it. I’ll be an outcast. 

Of course, I’ve heard this voice enough in my head over the years to know that this little voice is simply speaking from survival. When my nervous system is calm, she realizes that it will all be ok, and that’s why I inevitably included Medusa. But what I wasn’t expecting, was the participants’ reaction to it.

 

“The act of speaking in a safe place about anger in a way that acknowledges it as valid and necessary, was a new and powerful experience for me. I’m taking a much more curious approach to it now, and my nervous system is noticing the difference already.”–Wise & Wild participant

 

 

How embracing anger (constructively) can lead to positive change

 

When I first introduced the concept of sacred rage, I was met with silence and deer in the headlight looks. My heart pounded–OH NO, I thought. I’ve just unleashed Pandora’s Box (another archetype I want to dive into, but I digress). If there’s one thing that my years in education taught me, it’s that silence is powerful, albeit unnerving. So I let it be. I gave it time to let the words sink in, to let the old beliefs and patterns feel the disruption. And then, bit by bit, the comments started to flow.

• Working with Medusa is bringing up so much anger that I have been suppressing for years. I never thought I would have so much in common with Medusa.
• The concept of sacred anger is eye opening for me. My old reaction was to become anxious and want to tamp down anger, but I’m feeling a call to be much more curious and accepting in my approach, both in anger that I feel and that I witness in others. I can feel my nervous system adjusting already.
• I am digging deeper into my early wounds more than ever before, and it’s helping me to see where old patterns and habits are perpetuating. I realize how hard I’ve been on myself all my life, and it’s eye-opening. 

 

Women and anger

Women, in particular, are judged more harshly if we express anger. It’s tied up in the idea of goodness and morality for women, and so, over generations, we’ve learned to catch the feeling in our throats, to swallow it, essentially. But of course, it comes out one way or another, through resentment, passive aggression, or overpleasing. How liberating could it be if we slowly start expressing our needs, bit by bit? What would happen if we re-own our true emotions (rewild) and express it before it boils over? What if an angry woman wasn’t seen as a threat or a bitch but merely a human with needs and emotions? What if women felt safe to express their anger? We talked freely about all of these ideas. One participant described it perfectly:

Now when I’m participating in a situation where I feel triggered, I have the tools to step back with renewed awareness and understand why I’m reacting a particular way. It gives me pause now, so that I can choose how to interact. I feel so much more aware and empowered now, and I feel like I’m able to release a lot of the density I’ve stored in my body through all the somatic exercises we’ve done. 

 

Little You needed to express anger but couldn’t.  Teen You needed to feel validated for her anger but wasn’t. Adult You may not know how to express anger constructively–it’s either a ball of fire or nothing at all. It’s ok if sacred and constructive anger was never modelled for you because it’s never too late to learn, to sit with the discomfort, or to speak up with honor for yourself and others.

If you need a safe place to process your anger and other emotions privately, while still being in community, Rewilding is for you. Come join us at the campfire.