Why it’s so hard to let go of perfectionism

 

We cognitively know that there is no perfect, yet we sill strive for it. Why?

Well, it’s because you can’t think your way out of perfectionism. You can try all you want, but you can’t. I did for a long part of my life. I knew all of the reasons why I stayed in the pleasing/striving/perfection cycle, but I still couldn’t’ let go. That’s because perfectionism isn’t just a cognitive thing. There are emotional parts of us that hold onto the idea of getting as close to perfection as possible because we think it will keep us

 

Safe

 

Loved

 

Needed/Wanted

 

Let me explain…

 

You can’t simply think your way out of perfectionism

 

We think perfectionism keeps us safe

There’s a protective part of us that thinks that if we can get as close as possible to perfect, we will be safe from harm and hurt. These protective “selves” often developed in response to past experiences where we were shamed or rejected for making a mistake, or where control felt necessary in order for us to feel safe. This led a part of us to believe that mistakes or imperfections are dangerous, and so we try to compensate via overwork, excessive striving, or people pleasing traps. We don’t like feeling hurt, so we unconsciously move the “perfect” goalpost to keep us striving for safety and love.

 

We think perfectionism will make us loved

There’s a tender part of us who thinks that if we say or do all the right things, we will always be loved and always belong. Perfectionism creates a false sense of security and self-esteem, making us believe that if we do everything “right” we can prevent disappointment, criticism, or failure. It makes us see love and belonging as conditional, so we shrink, self-silence, or overperform in order to be accepted. It’s a never-ending chase for external approval, trying to earn the worth we desperately crave as humans. As such, it can lead us to suppress our own thoughts, needs, wants, or beliefs because we think our worth lies outside of us.

 

We think it means we are needed

There is a striving part of us who thinks that if we do everything as perfectly as possible, people will always want and need us in their lives. If we tie our value to how useful, competent, or indispensable we are to others, we gain a false sense of security in our relationships. We believe we will never be rejected, so long as we keep taking on more responsibility, more problem solving, more over-delivering. These striving parts lead us to believe that if we set boundaries, say no, or prioritize ourselves, we will disappoint people and risk losing their love or approval.

 

 

How to break the cycle of perfectionism

When these parts are leading in our lives, we are trapped in a cycle. We know we can’t be perfect, but these parts want to get as close to perfection as possible to maximize our chances of staying safe. The problem is that the fear of hurt, rejection, and isolation keeps us constantly moving the goalpost. We never feel safe letting go.

We can’t negotiate with these parts of ourselves until we learn why they are operating the way they are. We need to listen to them before we can learn how to help ourselves let go of the cycle. True belonging doesn’t come from being safe or indispensable–it comes from being fully present with who you are. In my programs, we don’t just talk about change; we create the conditions for you to step into a life where your worth isn’t up for negotiation.

Are you ready to break the cycle?  I’m ready to guide you. Sign up for a discovery call today.